Loopy

I sometimes feel very "out of the loop". At Grove City, the loop was form-fitting and comfortable. Now the loop has become misshapen and too loose for comfort. I find myself on the outside of much goings ons. This here online companion is sometimes my only link to friends. Sometimes I am so tuned into my surroundings that it sucks all the magic up from my circumstances. Other times, I feel as if I'm still the most naive person on the planet.

Do you ever feel that you don't belong ANYWHERE?? So naive that you can't even function properly, let alone socially? Well, I do, lots of times. Example: I have this vague idea of how I'd like my life to be, fantasies of great things. But most of the time I think I'm just kidding myself. I'm adventurous, but not so precocious as to actually set out and complete something wild. I'm too safe. Too uptight. It makes me cringe sometimes to know how truly uptight, or even stuck up, I can be/am. For instance: I have recently accepted the notion that maybe I too would like to be a professor. This is a relatively new notion, so it's in the early planning stages...don't get so excited about it. I want to teach art, more than anything. I'm actually teaching my own lesson plans for the first time on Wednesday and I'm scared out of my mind. Okay, I'm exaggerating, but I am nervous. Very nervous. Back to my train of thought though... being a professor. Do we ever think about what that word means? To profess. Why would anyone in their right mind allow me to profess on a subject I know little about. You think I know, but I'm actually more clever than anyone ever imagined. I'm clever and sly- never good character traits. I have this grand aspiration of getting a masters in art history. Studying in Rome and in Florence, Vienna, and London. Being able to go and live in these places so that the art and knowledge is as accessible to me as the National Gallery or North Carolina Museum of Art are now...but I'm being simply ridiculous. Could I EVER pull that off? I'm getting married for goodness sakes! How could this work out for Mike and I. I would love, love, LOVE, to go and study overseas (and he would too) but honestly, is this just a great dream or a reachable goal? How could that ever be a possibility for the Queen of Mundane? And stop thinking that I'm just being hard on myself. I know I'm my worst critic, I always have been. It's what keeps me from being too scathing, because that would give people the freedom to turn the tables on me, and I just couldn't handle that. Not well anyways. You must admit that you secretly agree with me. Be honest.

But seriously...me, a professor. "What on earth will she come up with next?"